"It’s just 1,570 miles"

I always thought that I was incapable of getting homesick. I’ve gone on several trips flying solo and I was perfectly fine. But it’s a whole new base now. I’m 1,570 miles away from everything I’ve ever known and I’m terrified. I want to scream and cry for hours but all I can do is pour my feels into this blog the night before orientation. I want to go back to September and change my motivation towards finding the “perfect” college. I want to make September-2013-me to decide that the U was the best choice from a quality of education standpoint and that even if I was wait listed, I should keep trying to see if I could still make it in and not pull my name from the list as I did in March, convinced I didn’t have a chance. Because now I’m here. Now I’m stuck with Florida as my only option unless I get desperate enough that I drop everything altogether and go to Normandale for a year - which isn’t even an option at all - and become a disappointment. Become a disappointment to my parents, my relatives, my friends, and David. David - a good chunk of the reason I want to go back in time and fully revamp my future; the key influence in the sculpting of my attitude towards college, towards moving, towards leaving everything I thought I couldn’t stand for more than 18 years, behind.

There once was a time when I yearned for any possible chance to leave MN and leave Lakeville but I feel the opposite now, and I have no freaking clue what to do about it.

"It’s just one of those things"

As Cody Jones says quite frequently, “it’s just one of those things,” where it’s different this time, new, fresh.

It’s just one of those things where I wish our worlds would’ve collided earlier. I’m talking like 3 years earlier. I wish I wouldn’t have been so distracted by him that I would’ve seen you sitting right next to him in the row behind me. I wish when I turned my head around 9 months ago I looked directly at you, not him. I know you’re supposed to look at past relationships as a learning experience but honestly I view that single one as a waste of time. Years. Months. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds. Wasted on him. And the crushing thing is: I was at the very bottom on his list of priorities. And all I got out of that relationship was realizing how completely pathetic a person can be, even a person you looked up to for the longest time.

But did I learn from the relationship? Of course, that’s a given. I learn from everything. And what I’ve learned so far my senior year is that when last years seniors left and said, “Make the most of your senior year because it all goes by too quickly,” they weren’t one bit kidding. I’m already 18. What the hell? Where did the time go? Time packed it’s bags, got on a plane, and went on vacation in Antarctica all in a matter of minutes. Honestly it feels like time abandoned me and was like “hey I’m gonna go sprint but feel free to jog a couple hundred miles behind.” Like no, slow down.

It’s just one of those things where I’m still managing to go with the flow although the flow is going a solid 200 mph. Which, ya know, that’s all fine and dandy, but when does time stop sprinting ahead of me and just take a break for once? I feel hypocritical saying that because I think about my future family and husband and life every waking moment of each day, but if I peel away all those thoughts I’m left with nothing but now and 10:30pm blog posts.

So really what I’m poorly attempting to say is that it’s just one of those things. One of those things where I usually can’t remember what I had for dinner last night but I can promise that I will remember every minute of my senior year for the rest of my life. And right now those minutes are being consumed by Theatre, Speech, Now & Then, David, Jess, and Brigette. MAYBE a few seconds consumed by family but really I barely even have time for that, which sucks. I can’t even begin to describe how much that sucks. But you know what really sucks? The fact that I don’t even consider my sister to actually BE my sister. To me, she’s just another occupant in the house I live in. She’s nothing more than the roommate I wish I could get replaced. I hate myself for thinking that, but I hate myself a little less when I realize that it’s not completely my fault that I’ve come to this as my final conclusion. So many years of dealing with the burden that is my sister have assisted with the insertion of that view in my head. In no way do I like that, but I only have 9 months left before my entire support system is ripped out from under me and thrown a thousand miles from my feet. And there is no possible way that my sister and I can mend the relationship we have now to at the very least function. So for that, I’m sorry, but to me it’s helpless, and therefore not worth an inch of effort.

But honestly, what is worth effort anymore? I have 9 months. That is all I get to sever my ties with everything I know now and prepare myself for a life-changing step. Actually, it shouldn’t be viewed as a step, it’s a freaking long jump. Like the one everyone but that one really athletic guy struggled to stick the landing in on track and field day in middle school. Regardless of if it’s Florida or California, I’m moving to a completely new environment that’s on the opposite side of the country. I’m leaving. And I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I attained the capability to remember aka foreva. I’m leaving David. My friends. My family. My life. And starting anew. And although I put on a smile and act like I can’t wait to run as fast as I can and launch myself into a new life, I can wait. I. Can. Wait. I wouldn’t mind if I had to wait in line while life got a head start. I’ll catch up later, promise, but for now I wish I could just pop a squat and chill here for a sec, or maybe a couple billion secs. In reality those couple billion secs will NEVER be enough, but I’ll still remain here wishing they would. Begging they would. But that would be a waste of time, wouldn’t it? I shouldn’t spend my time begging that these 9 months will be enough, I should be living, breathing, and believing that they will be enough. David is enough. Jess and Brigette are enough. Theatre, Speech and N&T are enough. My family is enough. I have exactly what I need and it’s been handed to me on a silver platter my entire life and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

In the end, it’s just one of those things where everything is enough, but time. There will never be enough of that, no matter how hard I try to believe otherwise.

"It’s just one of those nights"

Where I replay every perfect moment that could’ve | should’ve | would’ve been with you.

Where I go through the never-ending stream of text messages.

Where I contemplate deleting that single thread of communication that I once valued immensely.

Where I go through all the images I have of you & I & make them disappear without a trace.

Where I hear all the words you never meant & see all the hurt you intentionally caused.

Where I realize we barely dated for 2 months after having the biggest crush on you since 8th grade; yet, you still managed to leave a scar.

Where I look at you & feel absolutely nothing but pity.

Where I feel like I possess the strength to tear you to shreds & without feeling any guilt whatsoever.

Where I notice that you never had the capability of contributing effort to anything that could’ve had the potential to actually mean something to you.

Where I engrave in my mind that you don’t have the guts to do anything out of your comfort zone [that just so happens to spread it’s area to a total of 2 inches all the way around your body].

Where I’m infused with power due to the complete & utter known superiority I have over your pathetic self.

Where I count all the “friends” you supposedly “have” but will soon abandon you when college comes racing around the corner & kidnaps you leaving no option for ransom.

Where I see that you cared for no one but yourself & your frien—excuse me, CULT.

Where I feel bad because of how much of pathetic coward you are but never truly unveil due to your duties hiding said cowardliness.

Where I specifically remember how horribly you treated me & nothing else.

Where I finally see that you were exactly what I wanted but nothing that I needed.

Hit the ground running in 1995 and I've been running ever since. Waiting for the next adventure to appear and the last to archive. I live my life by going with the flow of things and trusting wherever that takes me. I never stop moving. Can you keep up?

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